Well…didn’t get up til after 6 this morning and I feel like I’m running late again today…and I really am if I’m trying to get out on the bike before 7:30…and then I need to run an errand to depot to try to get some rooting compound since I want to try to get some cuttings from a lilac bush in front of an empty house across the street so I can line the back fence with them….I think it would look cool to have lilacs back there and the next owner will have a nice privacy fence made of them….I did get some work done yesterday but I don’t really have a lot of motivation right now…not sure how many of my tomato plants are going to survive so I may have to make a plan to replace them….and should get on that today if I ever want tomatoes this summer….at least the flowers I planted out back are coming up and that is going to look cool when they get bigger…I did have to kill a couple of flies in here yesterday so I’ll need to get some home defense poison to spray on all of the windows to keep them out of here….have been using some stuff I bought 10 years ago and I  am almost out so I need another gallon….not much to do today…need to get going to get the first ride in and then run the errands…and then back out on the bike for ride two and more work….I really do need a day off….more later….

Well…started out again today with a full schedule…at least til around noon as I planned and got everything done that I wanted to…two bike rides and then I planted 12 bean plants, 12 regular tomato plants, 6 cherry tomato plants, and 3 sunflowers in the back of the house….and I put a bunch of green pepper seeds that I took out of a green pepper that I used to make pizza a few weeks back….that worked last year so I thought I’d try it again this year….still don’t have any jalapeno plants up yet but I still have hope they will come up…and it looks like I have a couple more sunflowers that are sprouting so I’ll have a half dozen or so of them in the back this year…and I planted giant Russian ones I’ve never seen before so that could be cool….but, I’m done for the day after getting everything done I wanted to….don’t feel the need to do extra…will save that for tomorrow so I won’t be too bored….

Well…didn’t get to bed until midnight last night and up at 6 but slept okay…still feel a bit worn out and I’m not sure when I’ll get on the bike…probably by 7:30 or so since it’s already almost 70 out there….I did get my herb garden planted yesterday and today I’ll get the first of the veggies in the garden…have 9 bean plants and tons of tomatoes that are up but no cukes or peppers yet so I am going to plant some more seeds directly in the garden for both…will have to take a look at the weather to make sure it’s going to stay above freezing before I do that….I do have flowers coming up behind the house and can’t wait to see what it looks like or if the sunflowers I planted earlier in the week will sprout…I do have a few that have come up downstairs and will plant them today, too…I could have a jungle in that 2 foot wide little patch along the house and that would be cool…..it looks like a take it easy day today after the bike rides and I need to get the food I bought Monday into the freezer but that is about it…I should clean windows today and I may get to the dining room and living room ones today and I need to decide what to do with the bird feeder since it is stuck to the window and a pretty big mess….and I’m not supposed to be feeding the birds anyway with the bird flu going around…not much to do today…just need to get on the bike and then get into planting and should have everything done by noon or so….it will be interesting to see how many plants survive the transplanting….had way too many tomatoes last year and will probably have the same this year…can’t have enough beans so I may even put a few more seeds of them in, too…we’ll see….more later….

Well..I think I’ve talked about this strange weather phenomenon before….we have a storm that is sitting about 5 miles north of here and just sitting there…as it tries to move southwest, it’s like there is a wall that it is running up against and the storm falls apart on the same line…and this has been going on for over an hour…the rest of the storm to the east is moving southward but out here it just stops at the same location along a line that runs from the northwest to southeast…I can see the storm from here and the dark clouds and lightning but nothing here…I’ve seen this before out here but out over the lake where when it reaches the shore, the storm just falls apart while it rages out over the lake…I’d like to find out what the heck is going on…and maybe I will go out and do a search for it when I’m done here…and then I’ll come back and update if I find anything….hmmm….

Well…after getting a couple of rides in, finishing up mowing the lawn, and planting the herb seeds next to the back door, I feel a little better and less depressed but still about an 8 on a 1-10 scale…and I really don’t see it getting better in the near future but at least it’s at a level that I can deal with it….now I need to start planning how to fix the mower next time it breaks…and make it permanent…might be some rain coming…

Well…you know, I really don’t know why I do this….almost 10,000 of these over the years but for what reason? Who the hell knows? I do know that I didn’t get out of bed til 7:30 and does that make me late? Had a really shitty day yesterday and today is looking to be another one and I’ve already shifted into low and slow survival mode where I try not to think much….and now my computer is screaming a high pollen alert at me along with high humidity and I still don’t know what to do with that information….I do need to ride over to the post office this morning to pay a bill I forgot to mail yesterday but I don’t really feel like it…should have done a ride already since it is almost 8:30 and I need to make up for only doing one yesterday….but I don’t see enjoying any of it this morning….still so damn depressed that I just want to melt into the couch and with how warm it is, that is a possibility…kept the windows open for the first time last night and that really doesn’t help the allergies at all….it really hurts to do anything right now and my brain is screaming at me to stop….so I think I will….I do need to figure out what to do with the food I got Monday and I think it will all end up in the freezer since I have no desire to eat or cook…or do anything else for that matter….maybe more later….

Well…crap….the deep blacks are back and I’ve spent the day in a fog of just existing and putting one foot in front of the other….but, I’ve spent the night sitting in the dark watching a movie and then Sense8 and I don’t feel if I can take the light right now….this whole teeth thing is freaking me out and having to have some teeth removed is like having a finger removed and I don’t like it one damn bit…I know it is my fault for neglecting my teeth but there was no other decision to be made…my son needed his house saved and I needed this one….but this is new that I don’t have the people I used to have that understood depression and life…who knew how it felt when the blacks came and how the couch was an oasis that you could spend days on until things got better….but, I’m not sure it will work this time….I don’t want to be me anymore….so flawed that my kids don’t even want to talk to me…how much does that weigh? Right now, too much…but tomorrow we go on and listen to some music and ride the bike and revel in the fog that is supposed to be out here….and hope for better days….

Well…I am pretty damn depressed on how this day went so far that I really can’t muster up the energy to care about politics right now so it looks like that will have to wait for later…it started with sticker shock for how much it’s going to cost to get my teeth fixed…and I can’t believe the prices for things that used to be reasonable…so, on top of the 2500 bucks from my insurance, I’m assuming I’m going to be out another 2 grand to get everything done I need…they look pretty bad and need lots of work but that is not the only depressing part of the day…while I was mowing the lawn, the damn mower broke again and I couldn’t even finish the lawn…looks like I’m going to have to buy some taps and try to tap out the holes and put new threads in since the jb weld isn’t holding anymore…I did put it back together with the last of the jb and I hope it holds for a while at least until I can get the tools I need to try to fix it better…and it just had to happen on a day that I was already depressed enough for one day….I am almost depressed enough to have cocktails tonight and just say the hell with it….I am so tired of the crap of life….

Well…that sucked…up at 2 for the first time then up again at 3:41 and then up for good at 5…and now I’m sitting here at 5:30 doing one of these as I kill time until I have to be at the dentist at 8:15…and I feel pretty worn out that just may make me take it a little easy today…did 105 miles on the bike since Saturday and my legs are sore…will make that worse today when I do 30 more but the wind is supposed to be much more calm so it may even be a little fun…when the bike is working well like now, it allows me to let my mind wander a bit more and sometimes that’s a good thing…the heat didn’t come on last night and it’s about time…I mean almost halfway through May and the heat is still coming on? I did get the analysis of my gas usage and I am 19% under the norm for a house my size and living alone so that is cool….and I really need to not spend any money for the entire summer since I am really behind on my goals of saving and keep burning through 300+ dollars a month on my credit cards buying stuff for this place….so no kayak this year and that is a little disappointing…oh, well….I do have to head to Menards, aldis, and meijers after the dentist or I may just wait til tomorrow for that…still have enough allergy meds for another 4 days so I could wait….I really hope I have done enough building the lawn so I won’t have to water it as much this summer when it gets dry around here…not supposed to rain much for the next week but it still looks pretty good and will need to be mowed again thurs…I wonder if I should go to the beach tomorrow? It’s supposed to be 80 degrees but the lake is still only in the 50’s…and swimming is my big reason for going out there….not sure if I can just sit for any reason…might have to take up meditation to be able to do that….not much to do today…I am curious how much money the dentist is going to cost and how fast we’ll burn through the 2500 buck cap…I’m thinking 3 visits and then I’ll have to wait til next year to have the rest of the work done…at least I’ll be able to put the top down on the car this morning for heading out and that will be cool at 8am….but back in the 60’s for next week and I hope I can have the windows open a bit…..more later….

Well…if you’ve been here before and read any of this stuff, you know that I am a little weird at times and look at things 45 degrees off the rest of the world….and I really am okay with that since it amuses me and keeps me smiling…but today, I think I moved the weird meter up a bit when I’m sitting here pretty excited about going to the dentist tomorrow…yeah, don’t know anyone that would feel that way but me..and for good reason, though…have had dental problems for as long as I can remember…20 years at least and it’s been almost that long since I’ve had any work done just because it is so damn expensive and I had other things I had to spend money on…like food, rent, and taxes…but now, I have some insurance anyway and I am curious how much it will cover…I know my normal medicare advantage plan covers two cleanings a year and one set of x-rays at no cost to me…and I know I need at least three fillings and work done on the loose molar and on the molar on the other side that the ceramic repair fell out of….so, I have a limit of 2500 bucks of coverage per year and I really don’t think that goes very far anymore…I could cover a grand or so out of pocket but, if I need an implant for the loose molar, it is about 5 grand for each of them and I can’t afford that…so, I guess we’ll see tomorrow morning at 8:30…it is nice to have the process started and it is easier to live with knowing what is going on than waiting to find out…