Well…you know, I really don’t know why I do this….almost 10,000 of these over the years but for what reason? Who the hell knows? I do know that I didn’t get out of bed til 7:30 and does that make me late? Had a really shitty day yesterday and today is looking to be another one and I’ve already shifted into low and slow survival mode where I try not to think much….and now my computer is screaming a high pollen alert at me along with high humidity and I still don’t know what to do with that information….I do need to ride over to the post office this morning to pay a bill I forgot to mail yesterday but I don’t really feel like it…should have done a ride already since it is almost 8:30 and I need to make up for only doing one yesterday….but I don’t see enjoying any of it this morning….still so damn depressed that I just want to melt into the couch and with how warm it is, that is a possibility…kept the windows open for the first time last night and that really doesn’t help the allergies at all….it really hurts to do anything right now and my brain is screaming at me to stop….so I think I will….I do need to figure out what to do with the food I got Monday and I think it will all end up in the freezer since I have no desire to eat or cook…or do anything else for that matter….maybe more later….

Well…crap….the deep blacks are back and I’ve spent the day in a fog of just existing and putting one foot in front of the other….but, I’ve spent the night sitting in the dark watching a movie and then Sense8 and I don’t feel if I can take the light right now….this whole teeth thing is freaking me out and having to have some teeth removed is like having a finger removed and I don’t like it one damn bit…I know it is my fault for neglecting my teeth but there was no other decision to be made…my son needed his house saved and I needed this one….but this is new that I don’t have the people I used to have that understood depression and life…who knew how it felt when the blacks came and how the couch was an oasis that you could spend days on until things got better….but, I’m not sure it will work this time….I don’t want to be me anymore….so flawed that my kids don’t even want to talk to me…how much does that weigh? Right now, too much…but tomorrow we go on and listen to some music and ride the bike and revel in the fog that is supposed to be out here….and hope for better days….

Well…I am pretty damn depressed on how this day went so far that I really can’t muster up the energy to care about politics right now so it looks like that will have to wait for later…it started with sticker shock for how much it’s going to cost to get my teeth fixed…and I can’t believe the prices for things that used to be reasonable…so, on top of the 2500 bucks from my insurance, I’m assuming I’m going to be out another 2 grand to get everything done I need…they look pretty bad and need lots of work but that is not the only depressing part of the day…while I was mowing the lawn, the damn mower broke again and I couldn’t even finish the lawn…looks like I’m going to have to buy some taps and try to tap out the holes and put new threads in since the jb weld isn’t holding anymore…I did put it back together with the last of the jb and I hope it holds for a while at least until I can get the tools I need to try to fix it better…and it just had to happen on a day that I was already depressed enough for one day….I am almost depressed enough to have cocktails tonight and just say the hell with it….I am so tired of the crap of life….

Well…that sucked…up at 2 for the first time then up again at 3:41 and then up for good at 5…and now I’m sitting here at 5:30 doing one of these as I kill time until I have to be at the dentist at 8:15…and I feel pretty worn out that just may make me take it a little easy today…did 105 miles on the bike since Saturday and my legs are sore…will make that worse today when I do 30 more but the wind is supposed to be much more calm so it may even be a little fun…when the bike is working well like now, it allows me to let my mind wander a bit more and sometimes that’s a good thing…the heat didn’t come on last night and it’s about time…I mean almost halfway through May and the heat is still coming on? I did get the analysis of my gas usage and I am 19% under the norm for a house my size and living alone so that is cool….and I really need to not spend any money for the entire summer since I am really behind on my goals of saving and keep burning through 300+ dollars a month on my credit cards buying stuff for this place….so no kayak this year and that is a little disappointing…oh, well….I do have to head to Menards, aldis, and meijers after the dentist or I may just wait til tomorrow for that…still have enough allergy meds for another 4 days so I could wait….I really hope I have done enough building the lawn so I won’t have to water it as much this summer when it gets dry around here…not supposed to rain much for the next week but it still looks pretty good and will need to be mowed again thurs…I wonder if I should go to the beach tomorrow? It’s supposed to be 80 degrees but the lake is still only in the 50′s…and swimming is my big reason for going out there….not sure if I can just sit for any reason…might have to take up meditation to be able to do that….not much to do today…I am curious how much money the dentist is going to cost and how fast we’ll burn through the 2500 buck cap…I’m thinking 3 visits and then I’ll have to wait til next year to have the rest of the work done…at least I’ll be able to put the top down on the car this morning for heading out and that will be cool at 8am….but back in the 60′s for next week and I hope I can have the windows open a bit…..more later….

Well…if you’ve been here before and read any of this stuff, you know that I am a little weird at times and look at things 45 degrees off the rest of the world….and I really am okay with that since it amuses me and keeps me smiling…but today, I think I moved the weird meter up a bit when I’m sitting here pretty excited about going to the dentist tomorrow…yeah, don’t know anyone that would feel that way but me..and for good reason, though…have had dental problems for as long as I can remember…20 years at least and it’s been almost that long since I’ve had any work done just because it is so damn expensive and I had other things I had to spend money on…like food, rent, and taxes…but now, I have some insurance anyway and I am curious how much it will cover…I know my normal medicare advantage plan covers two cleanings a year and one set of x-rays at no cost to me…and I know I need at least three fillings and work done on the loose molar and on the molar on the other side that the ceramic repair fell out of….so, I have a limit of 2500 bucks of coverage per year and I really don’t think that goes very far anymore…I could cover a grand or so out of pocket but, if I need an implant for the loose molar, it is about 5 grand for each of them and I can’t afford that…so, I guess we’ll see tomorrow morning at 8:30…it is nice to have the process started and it is easier to live with knowing what is going on than waiting to find out…

Well…when I got started today, it was all I could do to just get moving at all and expected this to be one of those survival days where I just keep moving to keep moving…but, after the first bike ride, I finally found a dentist to take on my dental work that takes my Medicare extra dental coverage…and they just had a cancellation so I can get in tomorrow morning at 8:30…and this one is only about 2 miles from me right over by my depot and aldis so easy to get to….and the person I talked to sounded nice so I’ll take a chance on them…that raised my spirits a bit to finally get the process started and then I headed out for a second ride and got it in before the wind got even worse….it is supposed to blow 20-30 this aft with gusts on top of that and it was hard enough going into the 15mph wind coming back….then I headed out to Hardings to see if I could get any of the half price protein they had on sale and got both chicken and pork chops so I am set for the next couple of weeks…and I put the top down on the car and was wearing shorts it was so nice…so, all in all, a productive day so far…and I will be back for a political one after I have a bit of lunch….and read the news to find a topic…

Well…darn…have been pretty depressed the past few days and I’m not sure why…part of it is the assholes up here in every rental think they have the right to play their damn music loud enough that it can be heard in GR…so that puts me back in the role of being the sound police up here as I have been for the past year and having it start all over again this spring is such a pain in the ass…after all of the calls I made last year, I thought there was enough progress made so I could open my windows as it gets warmer but I guess I was wrong…at least it is warm enough for me to get out on the bike by 7:30 today which I need to since the wind is supposed to come up to near 30 this afternoon and that is too much for me….got two rides in yesterday and hope to do the same today and I may run out to Hardings this morning to do the grocery shopping for the week but I guess I could wait til tomorrow for that…I do have to get on the weeds again today since I didn’t get to all of them yesterday but the yard is looking pretty good and it is more just maintenance now…and I have bean plants ready to go in the garden along with some tomato plants that I am going to try to put in, too, since it appears that the cold nights are behind us and no more freezes are forecast…and this week is the first real spring temps we have seen so far….it may even hit 80 tomorrow and that would be cool…but my allergies are so bad that I don’t know if I can even open the house up to air it out some but I am going to give it a try anyway….not much to do today….just going to wing it with no plans other than to ride the bike….but I am finding that taking it easy is a little bit harder than I expected so I’ll probably start thinking of the next big project and get started on planning it…and I will come back for a political one even if I have to force it….more later….

Well…I am so depressed about what is going on in politics right now that I just can’t bring myself to even read any news right now so that makes it a little difficult to even find a topic…so I’m not going to…but I did get out to do two rides today and even ate lunch in between the rides and got back here with enough time left to put weed killer on the front lawn and a little on the back…and the F1 race is not going off at 2 as it said on the listings so it looks like I would have had an extra hour to work outside but I guess I don’t need to fill every minute with work…I do need to get out this week to get more weed killer and some grass killer to keep the grass out of the cracks in my sidewalk…and it is going to be really weird this week with not doing a grocery run to Meijers since they don’t have anything on sale that I want for the first time in years…going to hit Hardings instead since they have pork chops and chicken for half price so I may just as well get the rest of the things I need there, too…really, really strange…

Well…as I sit here, I’m still thinking about trying to get out for two rides today but I’m running out of time to make it work before 2 when the F1 race comes on…if I wait til 11, that will get me back here at around 12:15 and then will have to be back out by 12:30 and that will not give me enough time to have lunch in between so that will set me up for a  one meal day today and under 1K calories and I’m not sure that will support 75 miles on the bike the past two days…but I feel fat today like I’m gaining weight again and I don’t know how that is happening….oh, well…probably should watch the match that I planned for today instead of doing this….more later….oh, I did get the bathroom cleaned and put a 100 watt led bulb in the fixture in there, too…now I can see much better….